Tardan
by jessmerrick
Summary: Remember this? There is mucho insanity during a camping trip with the SG crew...


Tardan, A hurt Catwoman, A dead Janet, a Mud Monster and a twisted Alien  
  
by  
  
Jolinar@Carter  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this way back when I was 11!  
  
"General, are you sure you and Doc Frasier want to come with us off world?"  
  
"Yes colonel. Jack, can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Shoot, and it's a good job Teal'C isn't in here, because he'd say, I do not have a gun O'Neill."  
  
"Why aren't you wearing any pants?" Hammond asked O'Neill, as he tried to look away from the Homer underwear Jack was wearing.  
  
"Janet took them away after my med exam, she wouldn't give me them back!"  
  
"I see. Okay then. Dismissed." Jack walked out, trouserless.  
  
---------Camp site, later that day...---------  
  
"Well here we are kiddies, and generals, in the great outdoors, off world, on our swell little camping trip!" Daniel's tent collapsed as Jack spoke. Sam laughed, she had already put her's and Hammond's up. She helped Daniel.  
  
"There you go Danny."  
  
"Thanks Sam. You can pitch a tent real fast!"  
  
"I know. I'm great at this kind'a stuff, I'm an out doors girl."  
  
"Ah. You're not missing any modesty are ya Carter?"  
  
"No sir."  
  
"Didn't think so. Good job on the tents Carter."  
  
"Sorry sir, I won't do your tent for you, you're a big military boy, who can pitch a tent easily. And I knew you were going to say that because I did."  
  
"Don't come running to me after your nightmare tonight then."  
  
"Hey! Just because I came to you last time, after Martouf died, because I was getting flash backs in my sleep..." Carter defended herself.  
  
"Okay okay."  
  
"I am in need of a toilet."  
  
"Well Teal'C, the bathroom's the last right down the hall!" Carter joked.  
  
"Major Carter, you are spending too much time with O'Neill."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"We really wanted to know you need the toilet Teal'C!" Jack thought aloud. Teal'C walked off on his quest for a toilet, (that turned into a never ending quest.)  
  
"You think we'll ever see him again Sam?"  
  
"Nope. He might find his way back to us in a few days, but I very much doubt it. Sir, is the General okay?"  
  
"Relax Sam, he just collapsed after the long trek." Janet answered as she sat down on a log. Sam sat beside her.  
  
"He's not very fit then is he Janet?"  
  
"No, although you have to remember, he's not as young as you, none of us are."  
  
"True."  
  
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Danny yelled as a bear attacked him. Sam and Janet turned round, looked, and then just went back to what they did best, gossiping. Jack was pitching his tent, and didn't take any notice of the bear that dragged Daniel off.  
  
"Do you think he's okay?"  
  
"Janet, he'll be fine. So anyway, then she..." Sam continued with her story. George Hammond came to again.  
  
"Sir, you okay?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Women! Apart, you have the best Major in the Air Force, who can kick alien's butts, and the best doctor too, and if you put them together, you end up with girlie talkers." Jack looked at them and shook his head. George did the same.  
  
Jack then got up, and walked towards them, when he fell into a great muddy pit, he was sure hadn't been there a minute ago. He climbed up, with Hammond's help, and examined his clothing, which was now covered in mud.  
  
"Can I borrow some clothes sir? I forgot to pack extras?" Jack inquired. Hammond nodded, and they walked off in search of Hammond's bags, which had actually slid all the way back down the mountain to the gate.  
  
"No I like him more!"  
  
"No I do!"  
  
"I do, and he likes me, 'cos me and the Colonel are his best officers!"  
  
"And I'm his best Chief Medical Officer!"  
  
"There's only one of you duh!"  
  
"Yeah, because he doesn't want any more!"  
  
"'Cos you're so awful!" Sam grabbed Janet's hair and Janet did the same to Sam's and they ended up rolling around on the mountain top arguing, until sadly, they rolled too far, and plummeted to the bottom, where Sam landed on Janet, and Janet died. Jack saw Sam, and rushed over.  
  
"Sam, what happened?"  
  
"Err...we...we...err, got in to a fight, big f...f...fight and we r...r...r...rolled too close close, too close to the edge, and d...d...down the m...m...mountain, and I l...l...landed on on J...J...Janet and killed h...h...her."  
  
"Any injuries Sam?"  
  
"Well, yeah. I think I think I think I think I broke my legs, and my my my, ass k...k...kills, and I I I I broke my left arm, I'm I'm I'm I'm certain! And my my my head head head hurts...it hurts...my head."  
  
"We'll get you back then. Sir, I'll take Sam back, you stay and try and find Daniel, and that suitcase of yours!"  
  
"Will do colonel. Try kissing her better."  
  
"Will do sir." Jack kissed Sam better, and she just stared at him.  
  
"Better?"  
  
"N...n...not really." Sam replied, then she closed her eyes, knowing she was safe in Jack's arms. He started towards the gate, when he heard a Tarzan like cry, from the top of the mountain, he dropped Sam and looked up to see Daniel, in a Tarzan costume, swinging down on a vine. Jack didn't think this was unexpected, so he picked Sam up and set off again.  
  
Meanwhile...Janet was still lying where she had landed, dead and she was being completely ignored, and Teal'C was still walking round the planet trying to find the bathroom. He was a little crazy now, due to the bonk on the head he had received from Carter in the gym a week before, when they were showing Daniel hand to hand catch. Hammond was looking for a suitcase, and Daniel was making friends with a monkey.  
  
"Hello, I am the mighty Tardan from the Planet Earth, I am a peaceful explorer. Do you speak Goa'uld, or English? Kree?"  
  
Jack arrived back on Earth and was greeted by a stretcher and a med team. They took Sam away, and he had a shower and got changed. He then went to her in the infirmary. "How is she?"  
  
"She'll be okay, but we might have to hand her over to mental health, she thinks she's catwoman!"  
  
"She just might be, she just might be."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"She's survived falling off a mountain and a Goa'uld, she has about seven lives left."  
  
"Oh." The nurse walked off.  
  
"Hey catwoman. How you feeling?" Jack kissed Sam's cheek and sat down next to her bed.  
  
"O...o...okay. She she she doesn't believe I'm I'm I'm catwoman, but I am, I believe, believe I believe I am."  
  
"And so you should!"  
  
-----The Jungle On The Planet-----  
  
"Excuse me Mr. Monkey, where is the bathroom?"  
  
"Carry on right, and then turn left, for about ten paces."  
  
"Thank you." Teal'C thanked the monkey and walked on.  
  
------At the bottom of the mountain...-------  
  
"Hello! Remember me? Janet? I'm dead, Sam's alive and thinking she's catwoman! How come she gets all the attention?"  
  
"Because we like her more, duh!" Tardan answered as he swung by.  
  
"Oh, thank you Tardan."  
  
"No problem Jane! Hey! Jane's short for Janet, hah! You have to be my girlfriend!" 


End file.
